Finding Grace

I just got home from the most spectacular week away in Tulum, Mexico with my husband. Although we’ve been married for almost 6 years, we never did take a honeymoon, thanks to house buying, the pandemic and other “life stuff” but we always knew we would make it happen. And happen it did. 

Tulum swept us off of our feet. It was the week that we knew we needed but didn’t realize quite how much. 

We’re not the type of travelers who want to do all of the touristy things. We were more interested in just being present with each other and slowing-the-heck-down. So instead of booking tons of excursions and non-stop sightseeing, we did a whole lot of reading, lounging, eating and just enjoying each other’s company. 

The week was just pure magic. 

Then we came home and I immediately fell apart. It’s taken me a few days to really wrap my head around why the adjustment has been so hard and I think I’ve finally figured it out.

I expected to find answers and I came home with none. Here’s the thing, I don’t even know what the questions were. How can I come up with answers when I don’t even know the questions? 

Before we left for Mexico, I had been grappling with lots of concerns and frankly, having a tough time with self worth. I’m wanting my business to really take off, I’m trying to figure out how to expand. I want to welcome in more people to experience my offerings. I kept telling myself that I would worry about it all again after vacation and maybe I’d come home and things would make more sense. Well, guess what? They don’t make more sense and I didn’t think about any of that on vacation and quite frankly, it was glorious. I didn’t think about my business or really anything else for that matter. I was truly present.

So now I’m left feeling like I want to run away again or really, I want to run away from myself cause I’m getting tired of this hamster wheel of doubt I’ve been riding for way too long.

But besides dreaming of ways to live on the beach in Mexico, I’ve got to deal with this, right? Or I guess there’s always self medicating but I think I can do this. 

As a friend reminded me when I shared that I was having a tough time not having the answers to my life’s questions, she said “life isn’t something to be solved”. Oof. She came in hot with the truth bomb at exactly the right time.
I’ve decided to find grace for myself instead. When I’ve found myself getting sucked down the rabbithole of despair, I keep reminding myself to be kind, that things don’t need to be “figured out”, that I’m on the right path and that I can treat myself with grace.
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I type this as a noreaster is raging outside here in New Hampshire and the sky is gray AF. If you need me, I’ll be dreaming of sunshine, tacos and livin’ the dream with my honey on the beach in Mexico. Oh yeah, and doing all of that with grace for myself.