If you had told me I’d be titling a piece of my writing “Corona Diaries” years ago, I would’ve thought it would have been the tale of a summer night spent with light beer and limes. Perhaps it would’ve been a day on the sand with good friends laughing and sharing stories. But alas, it’s just me cleansing my soul because a virus has swept the world, leaving us all to second guess all that we ever knew.
I haven’t felt inspired to do anything until I started typing today. Sharing my feelings on social media feels small to me, laughing about it or trying to “stay positive” is absolutely infuriating. So I am left with myself, riding the waves of my feelings from one moment to the next. I find myself wavering between gratitude for quiet and stillness and absolutely debilitating fear. When I’m in the moment, I can settle myself but as soon as my brain starts going towards thoughts of the future, I start to freak. What will happen to my family? What if someone I love needs help but I can’t get to them because of exposure risks? What if the businesses I love and work for never reopen? What if the world as we know it never looks the same again? Well, I hope the world doesn’t go back to the way it was. I hope that at the end of this we find that our “old ways” weren’t working for us. I hope we never take our time together for granted again. I hope we all stay slowed. I hope when we hug our loved ones again, we remember that our connections are truly the only thing that matters.
So I’m not focused on politics or running workshops or coming up with new sequences for my virtual classes. I’m focused on checking in with the people that I love. I’m focused on checking in with myself. I’m snuggling my husband and my pups harder than I ever have and breathing in the fresh air outside with more gratitude than I’ve ever felt. I’ve been talking to the trees and rocks more. I’ve been asking my Dad up above (or all around or wherever he is) for his help. I’ve been looking for signs. I’ve shed a lot of tears and I know there will be many, many more. I’ve been burning sage like it’s my job. I’m not worried about money (there’s a first for everything). I’m worried about living. So each night as I try to fall asleep, I will keep my mantra of “we are safe and healthy” going. I will not be staying positive so please don’t try to come at me with that right now. I know we’re all coping in our own ways but for me, I need to be sad and frustrated and so full of love I can barely stand it. It’s where I’m at and I won’t deny myself of it.
I’ll continue to clean the shit out of my already clean house so that I feel some semblance of control. I’ll get on my mat most days because it’s familiar and makes me feel like me and I’ll be graceful with myself when I don’t want to. I’ll keep daydreaming of warmer days when I can get back out into my garden and feel the soil between my fingers. I’ll listen to the trees talk and admire the buds on my rose bush and remind myself that life continues and that nature is still there to guide us. I’ll keep kissing my husband and making up random songs about the irony of wiping down lysol wipes with a lysol wipe and being absolutely astonished that this is the new norm. I’ll laugh when I feel like it and not be quick to wipe my tears away. Now is the time for feeling.
So reach out to me and I’ll reach back. None of us are immune to this. I need you and you need me. Let’s be great friends through this. I love you.